Thursdays with Kira
by mumyou nanashi
Summary: A young man, an even younger man and life's greatest blunder. Shinn Asuka goes through his grief with help from Kira Yamato, of all people. [beware of colorful language from Shinn]
1. Stage 1 Denial and Isolation

_**Author's Notes: **__Timeline for this is between the Orb and PLANT armistice (when Lacus went back to the PLANTs) and the Onogoro scene with Shinn and the rest of the rat-pack (the final scene). If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, those are clips/scenes from Final-Plus._

_The genres may be Angst and Humor but this is nothing like 'Salute!'. The humor here may just be dry wit and sarcasm from Shinn._

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_**Disclaimer: **This fic was inspired by, but is not based on, 'Tuesdays with Morrie'. It belongs to its respective author._

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**Chapter One – Denial and Isolation**

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_The war is over._

That single line kept on echoing and echoing and echoing relentlessly in my head. As if it wasn't already drilled in there. Frankly, after losing almost everything, I did not give a damn anymore which side won or lost. I just wanted to curl up and just forget about everything.

Thinking hurts.

_I was…deluded._

Or so Athrun told me.

_I was…betrayed._

Or so Meyrin told me.

_I was…manipulated._

Or so everyone else told me.

I felt so…empty. I just wanted to shut down my system and just reset everything. I did not want to think anymore. The Chairman, Stellar, Mayu, ORB, ZAFT… I wanted to just forget about everything for a moment and just…

Nothing.

What was I going to do with my life?

That moment, when the Justice landed in front of us with its hand extended, I had half a mind to snub it. But Luna… she needed treatment. How the heck were we supposed to get out of the damned asteroid while everybody else was shooting fireworks? So we accepted Athrun's offer, and just sat back for the ride. Everything would've been fine and dandy, if he'd left us on a ZAFT battleship or just endorsed us to the right persons, but he just had to bring us to the Archangel.

As we descended from the Justice, everyone kept shooting me weird glances, particularly one blond guy with a scar on his face. Not like I gave a damn. They could've spat fire at me for all I cared. On the way to the infirmary, Athrun tried to talk to me but I was determined to keep my mouth shut. He finally got the hint and left us.

They left us in the infirmary and, just as we were being bandaged by one of the doctors, I heard voices just outside the door. One definitely came from Athrun. The other sounded quite familiar, but I couldn't place where I had heard it before.

I wanted to block it out, just like what I had done for the past hour, but something they said made my heart stop.

"_The blond kid… He shot the Chairman. Then, he chose to stay…"_

"_He chose to stay and die…"_

I heard Luna gasp in shock and we each caught each other's eyes. She had tears in her eyes. Even though they had been anything but friendly since the battle on Heaven's Base, she was still grief-stricken over Rey's death.

Me?

I did not know what to feel.

-

The doctor eventually left me and Luna alone. _"To rest,"_ he said. Whatever. We've been here for four hours, I think. Good thing they finally had the decency to leave me alone. Now, if only they could do it for the rest of my god-forsaken life, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I think I had reached the point where I needed to look back on my life and figure out where it should or would lead me next.

But staring into space seemed so much more appealing.

-

_"That's why… you need to be the one to protect that future."_

-

I woke up with a start.

Some time during my space-staring, I fell asleep. I glanced at the other bed across mine, and I noted with a sigh of relief that Luna was still asleep. Nevertheless, I yanked the curtains closed to get some privacy.

I sat up and buried my face in my knees.

God…

The full brunt of what happened finally reached my senses. My heart felt like it was about to explode and no matter how hard I tried to push it all away, all it seemed to do was return full force. I clutched my head with unsteady hands.

_"…You need to be the one to protect that future."_

Gods…

…make it _stop_.

Voices seemed to be echoing all around me… _Accusing _me. Mom, Dad, Mayu, Chairman Dullindal, Captain Gladys, Stellar, Rey… each and everyone of them… Suffocating me…

Finally, I opened the curtains again, with shaky hands this time. Luna seemed so peaceful, but I _needed _her… Or rather, she'd know what to do.

"Luna…"

She stirred, but did not wake up.

"Luna!" I hissed, more urgently this time. I wanted to stand up and yank the blankets off of her sleeping form to wake her. But my knees felt weak.

She stirred once more, and turned to face me. Her eyes flew open and she looked up at me through unfocused eyes. "Shinn…?" she whispered sleepily. "Is something wrong?"

_'YES!' _I felt the need to shout at her, but I didn't want to after everything that I put her through. I swallowed hard. "Luna…" I called out to her in such a way that was considered unmanly. My voice was shaking from pent-up emotions. Everything was crashing down on me.

That immediately got her attention and all traces of sleepiness disappeared from her face. "Shinn…" she stood up and knelt beside my bed.

"He told me he'd go after the Freedom," I cut her off. No… Rey can't be… He must be… He must've escaped… Because of all the confusion, we had lost communication with him. Athrun must've gotten his information wrong. Rey can't be _dead_.

No…

Not him.

Not again.

"I'm going to call Athrun," Luna said worriedly.

It took me a while to finally realize that she was asking permission from me. Now was not the time to act childish. Athrun saved us. He meant good. But that doesn't mean that I can't hate him from afar, now can I?

"No," I said so softly my voice almost cracked.

"Shinn…"

I shook my head again, this time more forcefully. "Please, Luna."

Her face fell and I immediately felt guilty. And I apologized. Just as always, she accepted it without any hesitation, without any questions. She had always been good to me. But now was not the time to talk about such things. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look at her in the eye.

"Luna… Rey told me he'd go after the Freedom. That was the last time I ever talked to him. You don't think that…"

"But Athrun said he died with the Chairman and Captain Gladys," Luna said quietly.

I needed Luna to give me comfort, but she didn't.

_She gave me the truth._

And as if we hadn't cried enough on that asteroid, Luna and I cried all throughout the night.

-

Even if it was just a dream or a vision or whatever, Stellar still talked to me. She told me that she was okay now, wherever she might be. She talked about yesterdays and tomorrows, but I never was good at understanding philosophical crap. All I knew was that she was doing fine. And that was what mattered.

But with Rey, I'm not so sure.

I never did get to hear his last, parting words.

After hearing his own story, about how he was a clone and was doomed to die, everything finally fell into place. Why he seemed so detached about everything. Why he helped me save Stellar. Why he reacted that way at the Lodonia Lab. Why he seemed so bent on finishing things.

One thing I did not understand was why he told me.

Rey had always been in ca-hoots with Chairman Dullindal. He always took the Chairman's words to heart and followed him around with such passion. I guess I got that attitude from him as well. Athrun told me never to believe the Chairman's and Rey's words because those words would eventually kill the world. If Athrun was telling the truth then…

Did Rey tell me about his problems just to get a sympathy vote? Just to manipulate me?

I may never know because, as I said, I never did get to hear his last, parting words.

-

Days passed and before Luna and I knew it, we were lining up to have our discharge papers signed and approved by Executive Officer Trine. I guess, with Captain Gladys gone, that task was passed on to him. He was still the eccentric man that we knew but his smiles seemed forced, and there was an underlying sadness in his eyes.

But then again, everyone had eyes like those nowadays.

"Are you sure about this?"

I nodded without saying anything. What was there to say? I had already made up my mind and nothing short of the end of the world would make me change it otherwise. Luna was waiting for me outside, having already had her papers signed. She wanted to stay with me, but I told her that I had to do this alone.

"There's no turning back."

I nodded once again. The Executive Officer had always been known for being annoying. What was there to turn back to? Nothing. I needed time…to rethink everything. With the impending peace, there was no need for soldiers like me anymore.

My long awaited revenge had resulted to nothing.

"It was an honor meeting someone like you, Shinn Asuka. I hope we meet again."

I couldn't force a smile on my face. Executive Officer Arthur Trine sounded so sincere. I saluted, but the older man brushed it away with a soft, sad chuckle.

"Come, now. There's no need for that anymore."

And he offered his hand in a handshake. I accepted it and shook it firmly. I turned to exit the room, but Trine didn't seem to be finished yet.

"What do you plan on doing?"

I stopped, not having the strength to face my officer anymore. I shrugged. I didn't really have any plans. And frankly, I didn't care. I exited the room and Luna was beside me in an instant. We walked wordlessly along the corridors, both of us clutching our discharge papers as if our very lives were enclosed in it.

And perhaps, they were.

-

Luna had already been friends with Rey when I met them both. They were extreme opposites and one just had to wonder how in the blue hell they became friends. They kept mum about it, but with Luna's knowing grins, nudges and winks, and with Rey's exasperated sighs, we grew even more curious each passing day. With those types of reactions, one should just expect a side-splitting and embarrassing (on Rey's part, anyway) story.

Luna always tried to bring Rey out of his shell; and Rey, on the other hand, looked out for Luna's best interests.

We thought they were going out at one time, but Luna brushed it away laughingly.

_"Are you kidding? Of course not! We're friends! Can't a guy and a girl be just friends?"_

Of course they could.

I mean, Luna, Rey and I, we were always together, and no one ever made the mistake of assuming us having a threesome.

Occasionally, Meyrin would meet up with us together with Vino and Youlan, but it had always been the three of us. Probably because we each had the same goals in our minds – being a Red Coat. Even though the reasons were different.

I wanted power. Power to protect the ones I loved. So that I'll never again feel helpless. Luna had more or less the same reasons. But Rey?

It had always been a mystery why he joined the military.

The first time I saw him, my immediate thought that was with that much grace, he'd be better off being a pretty-boy actor or musician. And after I heard him play the piano for the first time, I was convinced of it.

But after he beat me on a simulation, I decided that he was too kick-ass to just sit around and play songs.

Nevertheless, he still did not tell us his reasons for joining the military. We respected his privacy and trusted him enough to not feel the need to pry. Me? I was too caught up in my own angst-ridden moments to care why a long-haired, blond, feminine-looking boy would possibly want to be a ruthless soldier. During the times that Luna asked him about it, he would just shrug and answer with vague riddles and such.

But we didn't mind.

Rey was our friend and that was all that mattered.

-

I was living in Junius Nine – also known as one of the 'Agricultural PLANTs'. It was just like being in the country side – far from the noise of urbanism. Luna's still with me. Frankly, I didn't know why she stuck by me; nevertheless, I was thankful for that.

I love Luna.

But, for now, I love her just like a friend, or a sister.

I wasn't ready for love-love.

Maybe some other time.

Some other time when I wasn't angst-ridden with life in general.

Fortunately, because of our stint with ZAFT, we – that is, Luna and I – still receive monthly pension and benefits. But Luna being Luna didn't want to just sit still and grow old, so she decided to get a job. Too bad, the 'job' didn't decide to get her.

But what type of job would she find suitable in this PLANT anyway? Luna never did strike me as the domesticated type. She was a city girl – independent and out-going. It was a miracle that her spark was still there even after all that had happened. Between the two of us, one gloomy partner was enough.

Days were spent like this. Luna gone for most of the morning and me watching grass grow. It was a painfully boring activity, but hey, someone had to do it. Who knows what would happen if those grasses mutated and, subsequently, waged a war? One war was enough. Two were downright destructive. And three would be the end of the world.

As everybody was well aware of by now.

I had been lazing about in the porch for god-knows-how-long that Luna even commented before going out that I had probably taken root over there. Maybe I have. Ah, it was times like these that I wish Rey was here. He always had quickie comebacks ready whenever Luna decided to be sardonic.

Pity he wasn't here.

That was the difference between them. Luna was frank but didn't know when to stop yakking. Rey was basically the same – one could always expect him to tell the truth, but he had tact and knew when to shut up.

…Well, Rey was _always_ shut up, anyway.

It had always been the three of us.

I wonder where he is…

-

I decided to go for a walk… not that it made any difference because I ended up doing the exact same thing as I was back at home. The only difference was that I was doing it from a park bench.

Hmmm…

The field of grass at my yard definitely was thriving than these…these _weeds_.

The bench creaked as someone else took his or her seat at the other end. I paid them no notice. The world worked fine that way. Too bad the other person didn't have the same philosophy as I had.

"Funny weather we're having," he commented solemnly.

I rolled my eyes. "The weather here is _simulated_," I said dryly. "That means every day here is a sunny day."

The uninvited _guest_ chuckled quietly. "Yes, but that wasn't what I was referring to."

I scoffed softly and decided that what he said didn't warrant a response. Maybe he was just another poor soul that lost three-quarters of his sanity because of the war. Kind of like me. Hey, maybe he's a fellow grass-watcher.

"You seem to like watching things," he commented out of the blue. But then again, everything he said and did seemed out of the blue.

"I like to watch things in _peace and quiet_," I answered pointedly. Hey, if he didn't get the not-so-subtle hint that I wanted my solace back, it's going to be his problem if and when things get rude and ugly.

He laughed again, and this time I turned to glare at him. He was a young man – he couldn't have been a year or two older than I was – with brown hair and solemn, violet eyes. He seemed a bit familiar… and then it struck me. He was that guy I met while I was in Orb. Ah, I had heard of sayings about the world being a small place… but the universe? Oh, the hilarity. Oh, the irony. Oh, crap.

He smiled at me, and I noticed for the first time that he seemed… sad, for lack of a more eloquent term.

He broke eye contact first, and diverted his gaze to the rolling grass in front of us. "I like watching things as well."

"No, really," I muttered sarcastically as I averted my gaze from his melancholic disposition. Honestly, I couldn't tell from the way he kept on interrupting my alone time (watch the sarcasm drip). I decided to drop all preambles and just go bull's eye on the point. "You know, I've seen you before."

He smiled that sad smile again and I fought the urge to knock him upside the head. Smiles were supposed to be happy.

"I never thought you'd notice."

I narrowed my eyes. "You're not a stalker or anything, are you? Because if you are, let me get things _straight_, if you get what I mean."

He seemed taken aback for a moment. Then, he shook his head. "No, you're safe with me. And I'm happily taken."

Of course I knew that. Wasn't he with that pink-haired girl? "So, why are you here? Orb kicked you out?"

"I'm here accompanying several friends. I heard that the Junius colonies were famous for its – "

I snorted. " – Green grass?"

"Well, I was gonna say 'nice, peaceful scenery and friendly people' but I guess that works too," he replied jokingly.

Lame-o. Whatever.

"What about you? What brings you here?"

"I _live_ here," I answered caustically. I leaned back on the bench and closed my eyes. "Why are you so goddamn talkative anyway?"

"Because you seem like you want to talk."

My eyes immediately flew open and what I saw was red. What the hell was with this guy? "I wanted to talk? _I_ wanted to talk. Heck, if I did want to talk, I'd have talked to someone sensible – like Luna. Or myself, perhaps. A conversation with a mirror would be preferable than one with some weird, _sad_ guy who talked in riddles."

He just continued to stare at me with those annoyingly solemn eyes. It didn't help lower my ire a little that he was also staring at me knowingly.

Oh.

OH…

I _was_ talkative, wasn't I? Instead of ignoring him and acting like he didn't exist, I even _encouraged_ – no matter how rudely I did so – our little chit-chat.

If I wanted to talk, I'd have talked to Luna.

But…

I didn't.

I sighed and those oh-so-sad eyes looked at me with empathy. As if they knew exactly what I was going through.

I knew those eyes. They haunt me each and every friggin' night. They looked just like Rey's eyes. Sure they were blue and his was violet, but crap, I wasn't talking about eye color anyway. Rey's last words echoed in my mind again.

"_The Freedom…is all mine!"_

This time, I was the one who broke eye contact.

I leaned back and stared at the artificial, blue sky. The weather was simulated but during Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons, it rained. During Thursdays, just like today, the weather men opted for a sunnier weather. Thursdays were perfect for hanging out the laundry to dry, for letting the children play outside, for field trips to the zoo, for picnics and barbecues outside, or for walks and talks in the park.

I didn't know why they picked Thursday as the perfect day instead of Saturday and Sunday. Saturdays and Sundays were celebrated with a fine weather as well, but nothing could be fairer than Thursdays.

"I used to live in Orb with my father, my mother and my sister…"

I told him about my life.

And he listened.

-

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_Has Shinn gone insane? And what about Kira? Will they meet again next Thursday? Or will Shinn ditch him, thereby forcing the author to change the title to "Thursday with Kira"? Was Shinn right into thinking that the grass will grow taller than the rest of them, mutate, and then, wage a war against humanity? Tune in next time, same author, same category, and same story-ID!_

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_**Author's Notes:** Oh, and just a note, Shinn still doesn't recognize Kira as the pilot of the Freedom. I just know keeping Kira in character is gonna be tough. Ah, well. Let's see how I fare in writing him, shall we?_

_Please review or else, I'll send Rau to haunt you. Just kidding. Although, I would really appreciate it if you tell me what's on your mind. Constructive criticisms are allowed and expected, as always. Thanks for tolerating my rant._

_Shutting up now._

_Oh, and kudos to anyone who can guess the 'theme' of the chapter titles._

_Shutting up _for real_ now!_


	2. Stage 2 Anger and Resentment

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**Chapter Two - Anger and Resentment**

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I was watching TV when Luna came home. She didn't seem the least bit surprised that I had relocated to the comfort of the couch. Hey, it could get really cold outdoors at that time of the night. I wasn't too far gone into the deep end not to notice when I was about to be frozen.

And like an answering machine when its 'Play' button was pressed, "How was your day?" I asked her automatically…flatly.

She collapsed on the other side of the couch. "Great," she answered dully.

"Great," I repeated dryly. I rolled my eyes as I scanned for more productive shows to watch – wasn't there some grass-channel here? Heck, if they could have the friggin' Time Channel, avid grass-watchers like me should have our channel as well.

She took a deep breath, as if preparing to say something life-threatening – or worse. "Do you like it here, Shinn?"

I shrugged in a non-committal way. "It's quiet here," I replied neutrally.

"Yeah…"

"Don't you?" I took care to add a bit of an edge in my tone. Heck, I had an inkling where this conversation was going…

"Well…" the skepticism was evident in her voice. She sighed dejectedly. "I miss my family."

Family, huh? From what I knew – and trust me, I knew a lot – her mother and father were both military officials who died in the First Bloody Valentine War. Hawke was a known military family, from what I had heard. Luna also mentioned having close ties with her other relatives – cousins, aunts, uncles.

Frankly, it didn't make sense to me when she said she wanted to stay with me.

For some reason, I don't know why, I grew angry. At her. At her family. At everything. "_So?_" I demanded through gritted teeth. "What's keeping you then? It's not like I'm forcing you to stay here!" She visibly winced as I raised my voice but I did not care. "What the hell is wrong with you, Luna? Go back home if you want to!"

Before I knew it, she was yelling as well. "I was scared! I was scared and worried that you'd go crazy if I left you alone!" she gasped and her hands flew to her mouth as if by doing that she could take it all back.

Then, I laughed. Even I was surprised by how bitter and angry it sounded. "Come _on_, Luna. Don't feel guilty for still having living, breathing family members _just because I don't_."

Luna, even though a loud mouth at times, was still a typical girl and it came as no surprise when I saw tears fall down her cheeks. Nevertheless, it made me feel uncomfortable and a great big bucket o' guilt.

Oh, call me an ass but I couldn't stand crying girls. Even before the tragedy at Onogoro, all Mayu had to do was sniffle at me and I'd instantly revert to doting, loving brother. All the adrenaline I felt got pumped out of my system. I sighed heavily and brushed my hair back with my right hand. I was _this close_ to pulling my hair in frustration!

"I'm…" I took a deep breath. It was enough that I was doing this; I didn't need to stutter to make me look like even more of an idiot. "I'm sorry, Luna."

Why did I apologize?

…No friggin' idea.

One thing was for sure, though. I was moodier than a hormone-driven female teenager.

'_Stop being such a girl, Shinn,'_ an inner voice – which suspiciously sounded like Vino – mocked me.

'_And stop making Lunamaria cry.'_

I swallowed hard.

That last voice sounded too much like Rey for comfort.

-

I half-expected Luna to be gone the morning after, but it was as if nothing had happened. Luna got a call from Meyrin – but more on that later. Luna cheerfully – a little too cheerfully for my tastes – decided to stay in the whole day and cook for us. Remember what I said about Luna not being domesticated? Well, her cooking 'creations' were proof of that. Needless to say, we ended up ordering Chinese take-out for lunch.

I studied her while we were eating, and it hit me for the first time just how sad she was. So, was everything just an act? Her cheerfulness, finding a job – was it just some plot to make it seem that everything was normal? Did she go through all that trouble just because she was scared that any more changes would make me completely lose hold on my sanity?

…I don't get it.

I went out that afternoon to do some thinking. Three guesses where I was headed.

It was Thursday.

-

It was an unspoken agreement between the two of us.

I never told him my name and he never told me his. Despite of everything that I had told him, I felt like I needed to at least leave some private details, well, private. He seemed okay with it and, anyway, names were only for schmucks who felt the need to call on each other each and every friggin' day. Sure, names defined their owners, but sometimes, one had to look past the name and concentrate on the person itself.

After telling him all about my life – and possibly boring him in the process – I figured he wouldn't be there again. But the moment I saw his willowy, hunched figure on the 'usual' spot – possibly watching the grass grow – I felt relief course through my veins.

I sat down wordlessly, unsure of what to say. Was I supposed to feel embarrassed? But that was another good thing that came from not knowing each other's names. He did not know who I really was, and so I felt no shame in showing him who I truly was.

Ironic.

But I didn't really have the time to feel embarrassed or shy or whatever.

He did not know me and heck, who was he gonna tell anyway?

"Hey," he said by way of greeting, "Good afternoon."

I scoffed in response.

I wasn't feeling really peachy at that moment. Luna had received a call from Meyrin that morning. It seems that she was currently at their house in November Two for a vacation and a break from her Orb-oriented duties – did I mention that she was working under Athha now? – and Meyrin being Meyrin just felt the need to tell us all about how Zala and the others had been doing. It turned out that Zala and the rest of the do-gooders society were up here in the PLANTs discussing peace talks with the Supreme Council. She said that blah-di-blah-di-blah everyone on their side was doing great and blah-di-blah-di-blah was currently living happily ever after.

Was I bitter?

Of course, I was.

I _suffered_. I had my fair share of bad things. My family was killed in Onogoro – don't tell me I deserved that for being an ordinary thirteen-year old who never cleaned his room. A potential girlfriend died in my arms. My best friend reportedly got smashed by falling Messiah-debris. I must've had the most rotten luck in the whole wide universe.

So, why the hell wasn't I given a happy ending?

Heck, Rey's life was full of bad things in general and look where it got him.

_It got him dead._ What the hell was up with that? Just because we fought the so-called good guys and lost doesn't mean that we don't get our happily-ever-afters as well, right?

Right?

Riiiight…

"In a fairy tale story, what happens to the villains?" I asked him.

It might seem weird that I asked him such an important question. I respected his views and even trusted his judgment, in some way that I have never trusted anyone before. There was something in his eyes that told me he knew. A lot. About life, about the world. His eyes spoke of experience belying his age – and… well, something else.

He seemed a bit taken aback by my sudden, weird question but he quickly regained his composure. "They die," he answered simply, matter-of-factly.

"They die," I echoed hollowly.

He chuckled, "Or they are never mentioned again." He paused thoughtfully and, after a moment, finally made up his mind. "But most of the time, they die."

I rolled my eyes heavenwards. "Oh, sure. After using them to give the story some semblance of a plot, the author kills them off just to give the heroes a happy ending," I said sullenly. "It's the same in real life, you know. All those people who are judged as the _villains_ – " I rolled my eyes " – are given hell for the rest of their lives."

"Why do you say so?" he asked lightly, but there was a challenging edge to it.

I looked at him flatly. "Because I know so. I was one of those so-called bad guys. I was one of them and, hell, I never even noticed it. And look where it got me now. Talking to some stranger and watching the grass grow with a passion only seen in the insanely obsessed."

He shook his head. "You have yet to see the end of your life so don't be so quick to say that your life is hell," he offered in all solemnity – the hell? Was that the only expression he was capable of?

"But it's true, isn't it? Is it because of karma? If it is, karma's the one who's quick to judge, isn't it? Karma doesn't see what drives man to do what he does," I declared angrily. "Karma is one fucked-up being. I was fighting for what I thought was right. My friend fought and died because he wanted to protect the world. Are there different ways of saving the world? Which one is right? Just because the other side won and we lost, we're now known as the bad guys?" I clenched my fists so hard, I was sure little half-moon shaped marks were visible in my palm.

"No one ever said that you were the bad guys."

"No, really?" I retorted sarcastically. "Look at how the world worships the Triple Ship Alliance and shuns everything that was connected to Dullindal, and assure me again that no one thinks of us that way." I sneered mockingly at him. "If our side had won, it would be the other way around."

He shook his head. "We act on instinct and no one can really say which is right or wrong. Not the winning side or the losing side. Even the winning side, I'm certain, isn't entirely sure if their way was the right one. The future generations would have to be the judge to that, because they are the ones who will be able to see it from a different perspective." He stopped and looked at the artificial sky above us, before giving me an understanding look. "For now, we must live in the present and do our best to protect what we believe is right."

I gave him a long, hard stare. Any man would have crumbled before it. Way back in my military days, it was known as the Death Glare from Hell. Either the brown-haired young man was immune to it or he really could stand it.

"I can't, for the life of me, understand why the heck those bastards were given a happy ending, while I'm rotting away in this hell-hole."

"So that's it? You're jealous of them?" he asked with an eyebrow raised. "People think that life is unfair because they think that other people are luckier than them. Don't you think that's a bit one-sided on your part as well? What if they aren't as lucky as you thought they were?"

I snorted. "Oh, believe me. They're having a grander time than I am."

He sighed and gave me a half-smile. "I wouldn't say that."

"Whatever. I just asked what happened to villains and you spout all this philosophical shit on me."

"Sorry. " He chuckled. "You're different today," he noted amusedly. "Last week, you were so… detached. Now, you're all riled-up and angry."

"So I'm having PMS," I replied dryly, rolling my eyes for more effect, but I couldn't stop my lips from curling up into a wry smile. "Give me a break."

"You know something? I don't believe in karma." He smiled sadly – I was tempted to bash his face in just to see whether or not he would change his reaction. "Because, sometimes, bad things happen to good people as well."

I crossed my arms in front of me and gave him a nice, long glare. "Cut the bullshit because it isn't reassuring or comforting or placating in the slightest." Then, I sighed and brushed my hair away from my face. "Do you remember the friend that I was telling you about?"

He nodded. "Rey?"

I smiled dryly. Funny how I told him _their_ names, while I kept mum about mine. Ah, well. Maybe someday, when the sky turns green. Like grass. "Yeah, him."

"What about him?"

"Do you," I paused to take a deep breath, to calm my nerves, "Do you think he deserved what happened to him?"

He did not answer immediately, and for half-a-second there, I thought he was going to say 'yes'. "Like I said, many bad things happen to us but it doesn't necessarily mean that we deserved them."

We sat in silence for awhile and I finally noticed how much this reminded me of how Rey and I talk sometimes. I think he was the first ever person to have tolerated my rudeness and obnoxiousness. _Yes,_ I admit, I was obnoxious.

Hell, it finally hit me why I chose to talk to him. He reminded me so damn much of Rey.

I clenched my fist. I knew I shouldn't look for Rey in places where I obviously can't and won't find him.

-

When we graduated, Rey actually received a much higher grade that I did. That means, he graduated on top of our class and he even got special permission to customize his would-be unit and pilot suit. He chose white – go figure. White was the color for commanders, which Rey clearly wasn't. But one day, he just showed up on Mobile Suit Training wearing a white pilot suit. Luna commented that Rey definitely had taste because it suited him more than the red suit – which of course, we males replied with a roll of our eyes.

Clearly, by default, Impulse should've been assigned to him.

But for some reason, he got a white Blaze ZAKU Phantom, and I – of all insubordinate people – got the Impulse. Shocking? Yeah. I thought that it was the end of our friendship, but Rey didn't seem surprised. In fact, he looked nonplussed. After the training, he went up to me, gave me a smile, an encouraging pat in the back and a soft, "Congratulations."

Ultimately, being given the most powerful mobile suit was the end point of having graduated as the top of the class – so why the hell me? Don't get me wrong, I was happy. But between having a kick-ass mobile suit and losing a friend in the process, and the opposite of that, I'd clearly choose the latter.

I talked to him about it. Just to make sure that I wasn't stepping on any egos.

But he just brushed it off. "Shinn, you were given that machine for a reason. Stop asking 'why' and use your time to prove that it was meant for you."

"So, you're not mad?" I asked him skeptically.

"Should I be? There's no written law that says it should belong to me. One should always make do with what life has thrown at his feet. If we waste our time asking 'why', then we'd never get anywhere."

Just then, Luna appeared and gave me a _look_. "Come off it, Shinn! What did you do?" she asked reprovingly as if I really did do something. "I don't know what the higher-ups are thinking, but giving the most insubordinate soldier a powerful mobile suit such as the Impulse?" She clucked her tongue disapprovingly. "If I learn that you swiped that from under Rey's nose…" she wagged a finger in front of my face threateningly. "Gods, why you?"

And of course, that _sermon_ lasted for the rest of the day that in the end, I really did agree with Rey – _if we waste our time asking 'why', then we'd never get anywhere_.

-

After my little talk with my 'Thursday-buddy' – hey, if you can think of a better name that this, then good for you – I took a detour for a little errand.

In the middle of dinner – this time, we ended up calling for pizza – I handed Luna my peace offering. I waited for her reaction and you could say I held my breath as she opened the envelope. Her eyes widened and she immediately looked at me in question.

I flashed her a genuine smile – my first one in so many weeks. "Come back, okay?"

Inside the envelope was a shuttle ticket bound for November Two.

-

* * *

-

_What's so damn interesting about the grass, anyway? Will Luna come back? And can Kira stand to be far away from his beloved ocean for too long? Why am I asking you anyway? Do you have any idea what I am up to? Does it include Shinn turning into a girl? Tune in next Thursday, same website, same author, and same story-ID!_

-

**_THANKS:_**

_To **cloudedge** for the constructive criticisms! Hope this works now. And of course to my beta-reader, **Lia Lostsmile**, here's a big hug! THANKS! Oh, and if you're up for some dark, AC fic, go read Lia's fic, **Beyond Acceptance.**_

_For those who reviewed: **Maryam Khanoom**,** SxS Fan**,** Blue moon wolf**,** animeboy-12**,** Kageharu Kaco **(thanks for the fanart!), **i Mel-chan i**,** AiryFaerieAriel**,** mikieru**,** Princess Ashes**,** Gambit01V2**,** Haruka Mizumi**,** ritachi**,** Fatherz**,** Garowyn**,** Hawk of Endimyon**,** koyuki-san**,** dark.retreat**, and**existence92**._

_**Why I used Kira:** Because he owes Shinn and needs closure just as much as Shinn does. Let us not forget whose fault it was that the rest of the Asuka Family got blasted to pieces (-looks pointedly at Kira-). Plus, Kira 'killed' Stellar and was also partly responsible for Rey's death. Tell me if Kira starts acting out of character, though. That'll be my indication whether my bias is showing or not. :D As you may probably know now, I'm partial to the villains._


	3. Stage 3 Bargaining

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**Chapter Three – Bargaining**

**-**

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-

It might sound overtly cliché but… honestly? The house seemed empty without Luna.

_I missed her_.

It's true, that absence makes the heart go fonder.

But as another saying goes, 'life goes on'. But, bah. Who cares about that damn quotation anyway? I sure don't. I wasn't implying that it didn't have an ounce of truth ingrained in it. Because it did. When something bad happens, life goes on. Maybe not your life, but other's. The world just keeps on turning round and round and round and –

The grass keeps growing.

For the curious, Luna left almost ten hours ago.

-

There wasn't a day that passed by that Luna forgot to call me. She called just to check up on me and, in my opinion, to assure herself that I hadn't gone insane. She was just too much of a worrier for her own good. Not that I did not appreciate the gesture, though. In fact, I even chronicled the time where she was most likely to call.

Somewhere between 8:04 a.m. and 8:31 a.m.

Nope, I wasn't obsessed or bored in the slightest.

But I figured, if I conditioned myself that Luna would call at this time, then she really would call. (You can tell I've been reading up on Psycho-stuff in my spare time – and boy, do I have a lot of spare time or what?) I glanced at the plain-looking wall clock hanging by its lonesome, just to check if Luna was right on time.

The phone rang. Right on time.

See? All good things come to those who wait.

I reached for the cordless phone beside me. I waited for two more rings before answering it, though. Just to indicate that I wasn't excited or anything.

"Hello?"

"Hello? Shinn? It's Luna. Well, er, I'm coming back sooner than expected, okay?"

YES!

"Okay."

She didn't want to tell me the reason why, so after that, we talked for a little while more and then we hung up. Hey, at least she was coming home. God knows how bored I was. I hauled my ass off of the sofa. Dinner wasn't going to cook itself, after all.

-

There was a word in my native tongue – Japanese – that could aptly describe Luna's personality. _Genki_. But Luna was looking anything but _genki_ now. In fact, she hadn't been her usual cheerful self ever since she came back. I didn't really want to ask what happened between her and Meyrin.

Thinking about Meyrin still made me feel like the most disgusting person to ever walk the planet.

Luna had been back for almost two days now, but she still didn't want to say anything about her trip. One thing I knew, though, was that she had given up her quest for a job. But that didn't mean that she gave up on restoring a semblance of her old life. She decided to continue her studies and get a college degree other than BS Mobile Suit Piloting, Major in Kicking Ass.

So, aside from moping around the house, she was currently studying for the entrance exams. She said that she wasn't going to settle for anything less that the most prestigious university in all of the PLANTs.

Which was located in December City.

Which meant that she was leaving me sooner or later.

Which, surprisingly, didn't piss me off one bit.

Well, that was Luna for you. The moping over-achiever. Hn. Never thought I'd say that. I was browsing the channels for anything good to watch. But since it was mid-afternoon, I was stuck with those mushy soap operas. Feeling bored enough to eat the TV – wires and all – I decided to do something productive.

I went into the kitchen to prepare a snack for the resident genius.

I checked the fridge for anything edible that I could whip up. Mayu and I used to do that a lot – take out everything from the fridge and cook up something 'delicious' out of them. I found milk (which thankfully, still hadn't gone bad), some bananas, a stale cheese sandwich, and one of Luna's 'masterpieces' (god, I swear, it _growled_ at me!).

I was in the middle of getting the blender – I decided to make smoothies – when Luna walked in on me. She stared at me and I could tell that she was trying hard not to laugh. I flashed her an annoyed glare, daring her to say anything about my flowery apron but, inwardly, I felt relieved. Relieved that she was smiling again.

"What are you doing?"

I gestured to the banana peels strewn over the counter. "Banana smoothie."

"Let me help you," she said softly, getting the milk.

"Sure, just don't – " I stared pointedly at her " – experiment again." Then, I proceeded to cut the bananas into medium-sized chunks.

"Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Shinn," she muttered dryly, but her tone was light rather than mocking.

Luna and I were quiet – and for a moment I marveled at how I managed to put 'Luna' and 'quiet' in a sentence. There was something wrong. And it was making me itch. I observed her, behind the protection of my long bangs, and she looked like she was having a mental argument with herself.

Finally, she seemed to have reached a decision.

"Shinn… I have something to tell you…" and she launched into a long tirade that managed to kill quite a few minutes.

Needless to say, we never finished making the banana smoothie.

-

The next day, Thursday, I decided to go to the park earlier than usual. There were many possible reasons why I did that. Probably to beat that solemn-eyed freak into coming here – he always came first. Probably to see what I've been missing whenever I spent all those weekday mornings staring at the grass. Probably to get away from all those horrid soap operas that was being aired at that time.

Probably to avoid talking to Luna.

Now, why would I do that?

It wasn't like me to avoid confrontations. In fact, I _anticipated_ them. Now, what would that confrontation be about? Again, there were many probabilities and possibilities that would take me weeks to list one by one.

As it was just morning, the park was lively. There were mothers pushing their baby strollers, hoping for a breath of 'fresh air'; toddlers playing in the sandbox a couple of yards from me; children walking on their way to school; and even a couple of teenagers who seemed like cutting classes.

I'd never seen the park so lively, or so full of people.

One in particular, one walking slowly towards me, caught my eye. Well, guess who the hell showed up? He took his seat on the farthest side of the bench from where I sat.

"You're early."

I shrugged. "So are you."

He didn't dignify my comment with a reply, so I decided to go back to the original task at hand. People watching. Look at them… Them smiling without a care in the world – laughing as if the colony that they lived in wasn't almost blasted to smithereens just a few months ago. Ah, the life of a civilian. So carefree. Frankly, I sometimes wonder why I ever gave up that life.

Oh, yeah. Right.

I was _forced_ to. Try having your family get blown apart in front of you and let's see if you can still continue your life as a normal, laughing, carefree civilian.

There was, is, and always will be a reason why we do the things we do.

We expect for results. We do things to reach our goals. Life doesn't give stuff away for free, you know. If you want something, you must exchange something of equal value. It's called _bargaining_ for a reason. Example: When I decided to become a soldier in order to protect the people I cared for.

If my family hadn't died, I would never have met people like Athrun Zala, his NOT-girlfriend Cagalli Yula Athha, and their other self-righteous comrades.

Heh.

I got the short stick in the bargain.

But then again, if my family hadn't died, I wouldn't have met people like Luna, Meyrin, the Minerva crew, Stellar… Hmmm… I seem to be forgetting someone! Oh yeah! That manipulative blond, Rey Za Burrel, who made me believe that I was his friend, when all along he wanted me to turn into a fellow Dullindal lapdog.

Well, I guess that's Rey for you. His friendship is NOT for free.

So, was it a fair deal, then, that my family was taken away from me in exchange of meeting these people?

I slid my right hand inside my pocket and felt the cool plastic casing of Mayu's outdated cell phone. For some reason, though, it didn't have the calming effect that it used to have.

I was back to being angry.

…back to being upset.

…back to being bitter.

Life did not give me a fair deal.

"I was cheated."

"Excuse me?" my solemn-eyed companion's voice broke through my reverie. I snapped out of my daze and released my tight hold on Mayu's cell phone.

I stared, puzzled for a moment at his sudden statement, before I realized that I had said my last thoughts out loud. Oops. I didn't notice. See, some things were meant to be said out loud, while some things were meant to be said _inside_.

He was still staring at me and, frankly, I found it unnerving. I found it annoying. I found it invading.

Because it seemed as if he was examining my very _soul_.

I swallowed the forming insult at the tip of my tongue. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, practically forcing my body to relax – _not_ an easy feat. After a few moments though, I finally got a hold of my senses and I felt normal. Well, my angst-levels were back to normal according to my standards, anyway.

"Did something bad ever happen to you that you think you did not deserve?" No, I wasn't changing the subject. Believe me, my question was relevant.

He took a moment to think about his answer. "Yeah. Lots of things." He paused. "But then, someone told me that I did deserve them, because of all the good things that had happened to me."

Okay. Hold up. _What?_

"What's that – the Great Equalizer?" I said crossly. "That's wrong."

He shrugged in a noncommittal way. "Maybe, or maybe not. We all have different perspectives. That answer came from someone whose life was full of anything but good things."

I snorted. "So for every good thing that happens to you, something bad will happen as well?" Figures. Life was such a bitch.

"That was what he believed. But that man's life was full of unpleasant things, and he never got anything good out of it."

"Sounds like someone I know," I muttered dryly, thinking of Rey. Then, feeling a strange spark of curiosity, I felt compelled to ask, "What kind of unfortunate things happened to you, anyway?"

He looked at me from the corner of his eye. Then, he sighed. "I guess our meetings have always been rather one-sided on your part, huh?" His lips curled up in half a smile. "I never told you, but I piloted a mobile suit in the last war."

I raised an eyebrow in astonishment. But I guess it should have been obvious, the way he seemed to understand every military thing that I spouted. So he was a fellow ZAFT soldier… "Oh, so you belonged to the military, huh? Under what unit?"

Now, the half-smile turned into a mysterious one. I got the impression that he didn't want to tell me about it. I shrugged. Hey, maybe he was ashamed of his unit; maybe they were a bunch of losers and they all got killed except him. Either way, I wasn't going to ask him again. I respected his privacy the same way he respected mine.

"In the middle of the war, I met a man from my past. A man driven by rage. He knew who – " he stopped himself and gave me a wry smile, " – rather, _what_ I was. He was…bitter about lots of things. I guess you could say he was my nightmares personified."

"Sounds heavy."

"It was. It all seemed like a fairy tale – unrealistic. But it happened."

I did not know what the hell he was talking about, but I nodded anyway. "Did you ever think that it was unfair?"

"Many times. Many, many times." He sighed. "'Why me? Why not someone else?' Those questions often crossed my mind."

Yeah… Just as it was currently crossing mine.

He shrugged. "And then, we start asking, 'What if this? What if that?'"

If my family hadn't decided to leave Orb that day, would they still be alive? If I listened to Athrun, would I have ended up like this? If the Chairman had died earlier; if Rey wasn't so loyal; if I hadn't met Stellar; if I hadn't returned Stellar; if I hadn't 'killed' Meyrin and Athrun; if Stellar wasn't killed; if I had been able to beat Athrun in the last battle; if Rey had been able to beat the Freedom…

If, if, if, if, if, if…

"If we start blaming fate for everything that's happened, then we'd all eventually end up like Chairman Dullindal," he spoke quietly, as if reading my mind.

I turned my head to look at him so fast, that I heard it crick. "You know…?" I left the question hanging. Of course, he knew. Everybody knew. And it's all thanks to the Destiny Plan. But his answer still did not satisfy me. "So you're saying that whatever fate throws at us, we just have to lie down and accept it like men?"

He smiled. "Basically."

"No bargaining?"

"No bargaining. And…" he chuckled, "I don't believe in sentient beings like 'fate'."

I raised an eyebrow, thoroughly unconvinced. "So you're telling me that even after every unlucky thing that happened to you, you didn't even felt bitter or resentful or even downright…cheated?"

"I would be a hypocrite if I said no."

I was very tempted to tell him out loud just how weird I thought he was. He spoke in riddles – something that irritated me beyond words could say. But then again, I figured he'd just give me that god-annoying smile and go on his merry way. I shrugged instead, and buried my hands deeper into my pockets. It wasn't because of the cold, because the weather was _always_ fine in the PLANTs. I just wanted to feel Mayu's cell phone in my hands.

"I still think I got the short end of the stick in this deal."

"What deal?"

I stared him straight in the eye. "I hate my life."

"But not so much that you can't bear to live it anymore," he pointed out.

I broke eye contact and shrugged. "Maybe. Basically, I'm just sticking around to see how much fucked-up my life could get. I was pretty sure I didn't do any bad stuff when I was a kid, but my family got killed. And then when I _thought_ I was doing good, it turned out I wasn't and I ended up like this." I smiled bitterly. "So, what's left to do? Not do anything at all."

"You hate your current predicament," he muttered thoughtfully.

Duh? What have you learned in my hour-long rants about fate and crap? I kept my tongue in check, though.

"So, if you were given the chance to turn things back the way it used to be, would you do it?"

"With my whole family alive and everything back to normal?" I snorted. That was obvious. "In a freakin' heartbeat."

"Are you sure?" he pressed. "What about your friends?"

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "What friends?"

He smiled, his eyes twinkling knowingly. "The ones who are still there with you, despite everything you've done. The ones who believed in you, when you didn't believe in yourself. The ones who trusted you, when you didn't even trust yourself."

-

_"I'm a clone."_

Why, Rey? Why the hell did he have to tell me that? Because he wanted my sympathy? Because he wanted to tighten his hold on me? Because he wanted my trust? Rey might've been a little on the weird side, but I trusted him. Heck, I shared sleeping quarters with the guy! I trusted him with my life! He was my _best friend_.

But still…

Alright, confession time.

Luna and I had a talk that morning. She said that, like what happened between her and Meyrin, certain things needed to be faced in order for me to move on. And that included coming to terms with Rey's apparent 'betrayal'. Rey…knew a lot about me, about Luna, about Meyrin. But we never knew anything about him. He never disclosed any information about his family, or anything other than his passion for playing the piano.

Heck, we didn't even know when his birthday was…

But as I said before, we didn't mind it, because he was our friend.

A friend…

Athrun told me that I shouldn't believe in Rey's words. But I did. Because I trusted Rey, even more so than Athrun. Hell, why should I trust Athrun? I just fucking met the guy back then. But, Rey's words were even more convincing than the Chairman's. Why? Because he was my friend. A friend who supposedly watched out for me with supposedly good intentions.

Damn…

Damn it all to hell.

He fucking played with my emotions – even going so far as to twist my own words and use them against me – just to make me do the Chairman's bidding like a good lapdog!

He made me believe that he was someone that I could trust!

Was that the reason why he helped me save Stellar?

Was that the reason why he told me his deepest secret – that he was a clone?

Was that the reason why he was always there to guide me and help me with my 'projects'?

Was that the reason why he posed as my friend?

Luna told me. She told me about the things that Rey told her. Rey told her, after I shot down Athrun and Meyrin, that I wasn't the one to be blamed. Why? Because, apparently, ZAFT's ace did not need distractions such as those.

Everything he did, he did with an underlying purpose.

-

When I came back, Luna was poring over a small cardboard box. She was so engrossed in it, that she didn't even notice that I was home. I sighed and made my way over to her. We still hadn't had a talk concerning her recent 'revelations'.

"_Tadaima,_" I muttered softly, unconsciously reverting to my native tongue. She quickly looked up and I noticed the puzzled expression on her face. "Uh… I'm home," I translated. She gave me a wan smile, and I took it as a positive sign. It wasn't as if we weren't on speaking terms. I just didn't know how to face her after what she told me.

She was sitting cross-legged on the floor. Not wanting to evade her personal space, I decided to take my usual position on the leftmost portion of the couch. We stayed like that for awhile – her, mulling over the mysterious cardboard box and its contents, and me, staring blankly into space.

Finally, she cleared her throat. "Shinn," she began, eyes still on the cardboard box, "Vino and Youlant dropped by this afternoon. Well…since Rey didn't have any family, Executive Officer Trine thought it best to send us Rey's stuff."

Great. More Rey. She kept silent for a moment, probably waiting for some sort of response from me.

When it became apparent to her that I wasn't going to say anything, she spoke again. This time, her voice was small and hesitant. "Shinn… was Rey sick or something?" With that, she produced a familiar, clear box half-filled with equally familiar blue and white pills.

_"I'm a clone."_

He trusted me…and believed in me.

He believed that I would be able to protect the world he envisioned, where people like him and Stellar didn't exist.

"Athrun told Meyrin, that Rey was the one who shot the Chairman in the end."

Of course…

But of course, he would do anything to protect the world.

And then, with that, the tears came. I couldn't protect him. Maybe I was convincing myself that he wasn't worth protecting, to cover up for not being able to protect him.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Life operated on terms such as that.

What did he get in return for having such a miserable life?

A 'friend' like me?

Maybe I wasn't the only one who got the short stick in the bargain.

-

* * *

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_So, what will happen next? Will Shinn finally realize that his Thursday-buddy is none other than the reclusive Kira Yamato? Will Luna continue with her plans to continue her studies? Will Shinn finally be able to get some answers about life's questions? And what is 'fate' anyway? And why does Shinn keep referring to it like it was some sort of person? And why do I keep telling you to tune in again next 'Thursday' when I don't even upload it during Thursdays?_

-

* * *

-

_**THANKS:**_

_To my beta-reader, the ever supportive **Lia lostsmile**._

_To those who offered constructive criticisms and reviews: **koyuki-san**, **Maryam Khanoom**, **Twisted-Galaxy**, **dark.retreat**, **Darkmoon Fleur**, **Gambit01V2**, **TheBetanWerecat**, **dragon agility**, **Sunflower Seeds**, **Princess Ashes**, **Kageharu Kaco**, **Paronomastic Paragon**, **cloudedge**, **Garowyn**, **Green.On.Black**, **WillTheWatcher**, **manwe-varda team**, and **ChildO'God**._

_-_

_I also thank those people who understand my plights as a writer. Writer's block is never easy to deal with, and I appreciate all those who still stick with my stories even though it takes me ages to update. I don't just post chapters for the sake of posting a new chapter. I pore and obsess over them before I do. Please don't think that I'm doing this to annoy you or to make me seem important. I apologize if I can't seem to write any faster, but please, understand that I am a student which goes through exams and life as well._


	4. Stage 4 Depression

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**Chapter Four – Depression**

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"_But you and me_

_All we want to be_

_Is lazy…"_

My eyes shot wide open at the flamboyant song blaring from the clock radio's mediocre speakers. Trust Luna to set the alarm on such an ungodly hour in the –

Oh wait.

The blinking neon green digits glared at me and said, "It's ten o'clock in the morning, you moron."

"_You and me…_

_So lazy…"_

I hate waking up late. It gives Luna an excuse to 'cook' – I use the term lightly – breakfast. Hmm… Oh yeah… 'Bout time I realized that _I _was the one who set the alarm. Well, all the good that will do me now. I quickly slammed my fist on the off button. That was enough of the nasally voice that I could take. Then, I buried my head deeper into my blanket.

There were days when I thought that things were definitely looking up and I believed that everything would indeed be okay. There were days when I could actually laugh genuinely – not any of those sardonic laughs that Luna detested. There were days when I thought I could actually start my life anew – without the nightmares of my past holding me back.

This wasn't one of those.

_So lazy…_

Great. Just fucking great. Now I've got last song syndrome.

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew this day was going to be hell. I stayed in bed for what seemed like ages, just staring balefully at the mocking sun. I pulled my blanket higher, leaving only the upper half of my face uncovered.

How long was I going to mope around like this?

The whole world had already practically forgotten about the war, while I was still under some very deep shit. Not that I wasn't getting the help I needed. Soldiers were required to at least pass some sort of a psychological exam before being allowed to set foot in the outside world as a free man. I had mine and the psychiatrist told me that according to my test results, I was as mentally-healthy as any random man.

Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that I was smart enough to put in answers that would make me seem sane. (I'm sure anyone with enough brain cells knows how to do _that.)_ Nope, nothing to do with it _at all_.

…

Okay, so it had _everything_ to do with it.

But both of us knew that there was something wrong about me. Even so, he agreed to sign my discharge papers on the condition that I see him at least once a month.

Fuck if I was doing that.

I was done and so freaking tired of everyone telling me what to do.

Needless to say, I hadn't gone to see him, not even once. So guess what I received in the mail yesterday? A lovely formal-looking letter, that when removed of all polite terms, quite frankly told me that if I didn't get my ass on that shrink's office ASAP, they were going to move it for me.

This must be the reason why I was feeling so gloomy this morning.

-

Deciding that I couldn't stay in my bed any moment longer (I've got permanent bed hair, _thankyouverymuch_), I got out of it and went out of my bedroom. I let the door slam behind me, not caring in the least if it got removed off its hinges.

"Good morning, Shinn!" Luna greeted me cheerfully from the kitchen. She peeked out from the doorway and pouted. "And don't give me that look!" she chided upon seeing the reluctant expression on my face. "I'm making pancakes. I think even I can make something as simple as that." With that, she went back to whatever it was that she was doing, whistling cheerfully as she did so.

I shrugged to no one and nothing in particular. Hey, I had the fire extinguisher ready.

I decided to go outside to – what else? – watch the grass grow.

Ah, grass…

There was something strangely satisfying to this little habit of mine. Call it a quirk or whatever but there was something about the green that served to calm my nerves for a while and force my mind to think of life in general.

Grass practically grew everywhere. Back on Earth (and I guess here on the PLANTs), just give them a patch of land and they'd grow like there's no tomorrow. Something so fragile, something so tiny, still striving to live even if there was only a slight chance of survival. I feel like I belonged whenever I was surrounded by them.

I think grass is even more beautiful than wildflowers on spring. Plain, old grass. Totally subjective, some people would say. Weeds. What can I say? I'm opinionated.

"Shinn!" Luna called out to me, interrupting my musings. "Breakfast is ready!"

So…Luna was back to being the old, cheerful Luna. But unlike the past weeks, this seemed to be the real thing. She was picking up pieces of her life – or what's left of it – and starting anew. For real. And I seemed to be getting dragged along the ride. She was ready to forget (if she hadn't done so already) the past and concentrate on her future.

"Shinn!" she called again.

I didn't answer. Something was building up inside of me. It felt like my chest was about to burst from something…unidentifiable. Or suffocating. I wanted to scream. Scream until my throat went dry. Scream until my voice went hoarse. Scream until I couldn't scream anymore.

This…_life_… I didn't fit in here.

I couldn't simply _forget_.

I couldn't simply _start anew_.

Not with memories of my mom, my dad, Mayu, Stellar and Rey holding me back. No matter what their, god-forbid, _spirits_ may say about me moving on, the fact that they were making the trouble of 'talking' to me was enough to remind me of how much of a failure I was…or, rather, am.

"Shinn?" Luna's voice this time was tinged with anxiety. I could hear her footsteps getting nearer.

I didn't need her to see me like this. She seemed so convinced that I was doing okay. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I'm coming," I answered softly, careful not to let my voice break.

-

Well, what do you know? Luna _can_ cook pancakes. She looked at me expectantly as I chewed the food slowly.

"Well?" she prompted.

I played ignorant, refusing to acknowledge what little cooking skills she had. "'Well', what?"

"How is it? Delicious?" she asked smugly.

I sighed exasperatedly. "Luna… they're _pancakes_. Not some sort of gourmet dish." I stabbed another piece of pancake and smothered it with maple syrup. "Like you said, anyone can make them."

She pouted. "Humor me, Shinn," she muttered dryly as she followed suit and started eating her breakfast. "They're mouth-wateringly delicious, if I do say so myself."

I rolled my eyes but otherwise, tactfully did not say anything else.

We ate in silence for awhile, before she opened her big mouth again. "So, what was yesterday's mail all about?" she prodded.

I stabbed another piece of pancake, and answered in a flat voice. "From the Psychiatric Department. They want me there at 1400."

Her eyes widened. "Today?"

Duh? "Yeah."

I winced at the sound of her chair suddenly being scraped across the floor. Luna stood up and slammed her hand on the table. "Shinn! Do you have any idea what that means?" she exclaimed.

Well, what was I? Some kind of idiot? Of course I knew what that meant. Tired of Luna's antics, I pushed my plate away and stood up without a word. I could hear Luna calling for me, her voice a mix between worried and annoyed, but I ignored her. I proceeded to my room and locked the door.

"I'm going back to sleep," I muttered, not caring in the slightest if she heard me or not. Frankly, I'd prefer the latter. I wasn't in the mood to be on the receiving end of some good old-fashioned Luna-scolding and the only way to counter it was some equally good old-fashioned Silent Treatment.

I collapsed on my bed and closed my eyes, burying my face in the pillows and inhaling the scent of the detergent that Luna picked out from the grocery a couple of days ago. I've got to hand it to Luna. She's a nagger, but she sure does know how to pick the best sweet-smelling detergent around.

After a few moments, I realized that my pillows were wet. I reluctantly lifted my head to stare at the wet spots and to decipher where the hell they came from. Maybe they weren't as dry as Luna thought they were?

Pft.

Fuck.

I was crying.

I didn't get up to change the pillow cases, though.

I wasn't just lazy.

I was tired.

-

_And so, instead of going to his appointment with ZAFT's resident shrink, Shinn Asuka decided to meet up with his Thursday-buddy instead. Is he turning gay?_

Hmmm…

Not enough spunk in it. Not enough catch. Not enough bite. I used 'instead' twice. And it sounds like a sick commentary. Not quite up to my usual biting remarks. I must be losing my touch…

…with reality.

…with sanity.

…with the world.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was a fine Thursday afternoon, much like the others before it, except for the fact that I was spending it alone.

I glanced at my wristwatch and sighed. Forty-seven minutes.

Thursday-buddy was nowhere in sight. But then again, I guess meeting him on such irregular times was really pushing my luck. There was no way in hell that he'd catch me four times in a row. And I knew better than to 'owe it all to fate'.

Perhaps this is proof that I should be going to the psychiatrist. I _knew_ what I had to do. Between the two choices – Thursday-buddy and the shrink – the obvious choice would be the psychiatrist because my freedom, my future, depended on my meeting with him.

But talking to that young man with the solemn eyes was so much more appealing. Not in a romantic way or anything gay; it was something indescribable. (Heck, all I knew was that it was platonic.) Whenever I talked to him, it felt like talking to someone who truly understood whatever I was saying. It felt like I was talking to someone who knew what I was going through. It was different from talking to Luna. Sure, I appreciated those heartfelt conversations with her, but somehow, I don't think she truly understood what it was that I was going through. It was like, like, like…

…Like talking to Rey.

And those meetings ended with me feeling somewhat calmer and more contented.

I wasn't just mourning the death of my family and friends; I was also mourning the death of everything that I ever believed in. If I were to get all poetic and shit, I'd say that I was grieving _my _death. Some part of me died when my family died. And now, the part that was left also died after all that mess.

I never entertained thoughts of suicide when my family died because I wanted to avenge their deaths first before anything else. But now…the thought of dying was becoming more and more appealing.

I cupped my hands and saw the shadows cast by the trees and the lights dancing in my palms.

Mayu and I…used to do that when we were kids.

The lights disappeared and I frowned. Someone was standing in front of me; I could tell that much from the fact that that person was blocking my precious sunlight. I lifted my head to glare at the person.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say that you're deliberately coming here at irregular times." He smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

"You're blocking my light," I told him flatly. Well, what do you know? Someone must _really_ want the both of us to keep talking to each other.

He chuckled softly. "Oh, sorry." Then, he sat at the farthest end of the bench. There was a space between us, big enough for a child, just like as it has always been. Hey, not a lot of people are given the honor of invading my personal space. Of course, Mayu used to invade it all the time, but obviously she's not able to do that anymore. And if she is… well, that's just creepy.

We sat like that for a moment – as if we didn't know who the hell each other were. Oh, scratch that. We _didn't_. Then, he started _humming_. The very idea of him humming was…just not right. He was freaking _humming_! It was a familiar one, and I figured it must've been the one his girlfriend was singing when I first 'met' them.

But gods… did I have to endure that as well along with my angst?

"Why the hell are you so fucking happy?" I muttered, making sure that there was enough annoyance in my tone to deliver my message across.

"And why are you so angry?" he asked rhetorically. He smiled again. "Something good happened. Did you know that the PLANTs and ORB both agreed on an armistice? Finally, the peace talks are taking fruit."

I rolled my eyes at that. Trust Athha to do something so…idealistic. "That's great," I mumbled sarcastically.

He raised a not-so-amused eyebrow. "Is that all? Aren't you relieved at the very least? This is what you have been fighting for."

I shrugged. I wasn't in the mood for arguments. Let him think whatever he wanted to think. "Whatever."

It's…weird. I was looking for company a while ago and now that I had it, all I want now is for said company to shut the hell up. He wasn't normally _this_ talkative. That news must have pumped some endorphins in his otherwise angst-ridden body.

It's not that I didn't want peace. Yes, it's what I've been fighting for in the first place, but now that almost everyone that I cared for is conveniently dead, it all seemed pretty pointless.

And Luna…

…can take care of herself.

Now, I realize, I'm not needed at all.

Not anymore.

I was never much of a planner. But I figured that after my so-called revenge, I'd die in the line of fire sooner or later. I didn't actually think that I'd be experiencing the pain of losing the people I cared for one more time. I never thought that I'd live this far, to be honest.

Everything would still be in its proper place even if I die now.

So…

…there's no point in living.

At all.

I failed.

…exacting my revenge.

…protecting Stellar.

…preserving Rey's future.

…winning the war for ZAFT.

…making a proper housemate for Luna.

Shoot.

All along I've been wondering what the hell I was supposed to do when it was staring at me right in my face.

I stood up abruptly, probably startling the person beside me in the process, and started walking away. I didn't even bother saying goodbye.

"Where are you going?" he asked, voice still calm, blissfully unaware of the suicidal thoughts running amok in my brain.

'_Hell', _my mind screamed. But aloud, I answered. "Home."

I was on my twelfth step when he spoke again. "Aren't you the least bit curious in finding out who I am?" he called out.

I stopped despite myself. Of course I was curious. Who wouldn't be? But if this was some ploy to make me forget about my current plans for the day… Well, what good would his identity do when I was rotting six feet under? I shrugged – the universal gesture for 'whatever'.

"I'm sorry," he said in a voice so quiet that I wasn't sure if I heard right.

Sorry? What in blazes was that supposed to mean? Oh, _shit. Shit._

I whirled around suddenly. Oh, great mother of –

"Would you stop spouting nonsense and let me get to wherever I'm going to in peace?" I glared at him angrily. But by that time, I knew. He _knew_ me. He knew who I was. And I was angry. He was freaking making fun of me! From the beginning, he knew who I was.

"So, are you someone sent by that fucking humanitarian Athha? Or someone sent by Zala, perhaps?" I couldn't contain myself anymore. With fists shaking and temper rising, I rushed up to him and gave him a right hook.

The force of the blow sent him landing ungracefully on his behind. My fist was frozen from where it came into contact with his cheek. He didn't even make an attempt to dodge it! I couldn't see the pain (or whatever expression) on his face because his fringe was covering it.

I was breathing heavily, adrenaline still coursing through my veins, practically screaming for a fight.

"I think I deserved that," he said softly, head still bowed low.

"Fucking right you do!" I shouted. There weren't many people on that part of the park, and the little that were there were clearly making a point to avoid us.

He stood up and brushed the dirt from his pants. I finally saw his face and felt satisfied that a bruise was beginning to form from where my fist kissed his cheek. His violet eyes were somber, and whatever happiness there was a moment ago was completely gone.

"…But not for the reasons that you think." He sighed as he rubbed his smarting cheek. "And Cagalli and Athrun are far too busy with the peace talks to even think of setting you up."

"Oh, so you're on a first-name basis with them, huh?"

"Yes, I am," he answered tiredly. "I caused you great pain, it would seem. Indirectly, yes, but my intentions were good. I never thought about making fun of you. I wanted to talk to you, because I saw myself in you. And I didn't want you to end up like me."

"Who fucking would?" I said through gritted teeth. "Is this what you do on your spare time? Look for people stupid enough to reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to a complete stranger? Gods, you're right. We wouldn't want me ending up like you. Thanks for the tip." I smiled nastily. "Not."

"You have to move on, Shinn," he advised all-knowingly. A little _too _all-knowingly. "There's no use wallowing in the past."

I felt my fists itching to punch him again. "Would you freaking stop lecturing me? What would you know? What the hell would you know, about betrayal and loss? Of having the people you love dying in front of you?"

"Like I said, Shinn, I see myself in you." And for a moment, I wanted to believe in that. He sounded sincere. He really did. But he didn't have to fool me into thinking that I had the anonymity that I found so appealing.

"Stop calling me by my first name!" I yelled at him. It was a childish thing to say, but for us Japanese, it was very rude and informal, considering we didn't even know each other. Whatever. It wasn't time to talk about culture, anyway. But the fact that he knew my name when I didn't even introduce myself added to my fury. I closed my eyes and let out a frustrated huff. "You're wasting my time. Good riddance."

Well? How was I supposed to kill myself when I was feeling so homicidal instead?

-

When Rey told me that he was a clone, I didn't realize then just how hard it was for him just to be alive. All I knew was that he was dying, nothing else. I looked at it in the physical aspect, the physiological, but the psychological? Nope.

I didn't even think about how he _felt_.

How it must have felt knowing that your whole life was a lie. Heck, I was too busy thinking about how _my_ life was a lie. Come to think of it, he must have seen himself in Stellar that day when he helped me save her. He didn't do it out of pity.

If I didn't know about him being a clone, I suppose I wouldn't be so affected by Rey's death. Soldiers die. It's death. It happens.

Sure, I'd be feeling pretty devastated, but not to the point where I'm obsessing over it – much like what I'm doing now.

"_Ignorance is bliss,"_ my sixth grade English teacher once told me. I heard Rey repeat that line once, when I had the misfortune of learning about Luna's monthly period (yeah, _that_ period).

Sometimes, I think it would be great to have amnesia or something.

-

"Shinn?"

More knocks.

"Shinn!"

Harder knocks.

"Shinn! Shinn! Open the door!"

The sound of the doorknob being twisted forcefully. Even more knocks. This time more desperate.

"SHI - "

"WHAT?!" I yelled as I violently pulled the door open, catching Luna in mid-knock. "Can't a guy kill himself without you knocking all over the place?"

This time, it was her turn to yell, "WHAT?!"

I slammed the door on her face. "I was just kidding. Just leave me alone. I'm cleaning my room," I muttered through gritted teeth. Oops, there goes my resolve.

"Shinn…" Luna whispered so softly it was a miracle it carried through the inch-thick door. Oh, there goes the waterworks again. Damn. Why do women cry over the stupidest of things? "Please…don't do anything stupid."

I leaned my back on the closed door and slid down until I was crouching on the cold floor. I looked at the bottle of sleeping pills sitting oh-so-innocently on top of my bedside table.

I let out a resigned sigh as I stood up. "What the hell are you saying? I'm just cleaning my room."

-

* * *

_-_

_**Author's Notes: **Here's Chapter Four! And oh, wow! Would you look at that? Only a gazillion months late! Expect the next chapter within the next bajillion years. And no; no witty (you call that witty?) next-chapter-commentaries this time. This has been sitting on my hard drive for ages. Why didn't I post it? Blame it on (Japanese rock band) L'Arc-en-Ciel. Oh why, oh why does hyde have to be that cute even if he's at least twice my age? But my whole obsession isn't all due to hyde's cuteness – or sexiness. I actually LOVE their music. Hmp. Now, if only I could understand what the heck they're saying…_

_For the eternally curious, the song above is from – you guessed it – 'Lazy' by (the London) Suede. Consider it disclaimed. As you can see, I started writing this chapter while I was in my Suede-phase. And now I'm in my L'Arc-en-Ciel phase!_

_-_

_**THANKS:**_

_**Lia lostsmile**, circumstances have kept us from contacting each other, but here's to another year!_

_To those who reviewed and offered constructive criticisms – I hope you're all still here: **Athyra**, **koyuki-san**, **dark.retreat**, **Darkmoon Fleur**, **Gambit01V2**, **Skyforger**, **Crafty**, **stellar**, **Princess Ashes**, **shinnasuka1652391**, **Maryam Khanoom**, **Garowyn**, **Rising Dragon**, **Paronomastic Paragon**, **a.n.g.e.l.**, **aozora7919**, **Wolven Spirits**, **yambembi**, **SpeedStriker**, **existence92**, **WillTheWatcher**, **NaraOccult**, **Sunflower Seeds**, **cobaltstar**, **dark galaxy**, and **China Dolly**._


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